So here’s that post I was talking about

So here’s that post I was talking about ( u_Skullz64 / Skullz64 ) Tw:Suicide, Depression (idk if it's a trigger), Graphic details, Transphobia talk Some things to expect are bad English, too many apologies (I’m an over apologiser) and cringy talk, because this all feels so fake Let’s get onto the reason why o stayed doing this. It os simple, many of you wanted to see comics here, and BrookeValley already had enough on her mind, with comics coming out on a regular basis, and also transphobic parents. There were too many people who said this, so I said I could, and many agreed, even the current moderator did. So I started, and it failed for the first week, because the posts just, weren’t posting. As you now know, that got fixed, as all can be found in the subreddit now. Before any of that, I still daily posted, knowing that no one saw them. I kept the delusion people could though, and so o continued, until day 6, where I messaged the moderator (RockyCoon if I’m correct) to see what they could do, and the thing that worked was making me an approved user, and it worked, and that’s how all posts were now being able to be seen. The full reasons I continued was because I didn’t want to just leave and give up, and there’s a deeper reason to it, but I’ll start with the main/base level reason, I’m not trans, as I have stated once or twice, I’ve considered it, but match up with it at a % lower than 10%, and I’m fine with who I am, just not what I am or how I look. The actual reason, is that it keeps me connected to the world. If I give up, I might not see purpose in myself any more, and just, die, by my own hands, I’m doing doing ok, but I just feel like I’m faking it for clout, and I’m just a hypocrite. Now, let’s get onto the more…graphic, descriptions. I’ve had many times where I want torture, pain, trauma, anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to prove I actually have these mental issues to myself, and have something to base it off of. I’m not talking just plain old wrist pain, no no no, im talking literal years of torture, tearing my eye out, cutting off my tongue, something that lasts, just to prove to myself that I have these issues for a reason. I feel like I deserve all these issues, yet also want to say I don’t have them for the reason of I have no trauma and am just faking for clout and making it worse like the hypocrite I am, thinking im suffering worse than anyone else, and my pain is worse than anyone else’s. To put it into perspective, I’ve researched depression since last December (19/12/22 to be exact), and I have read multiple sources, and watched 25 full videos on symptoms of depression, which totalled to over 130 DIFFERENT symptoms, with matching up with 126. I still don’t believe I have it, and refuse to seek help because I deserve it, but then I’m in the same loop as stated before. I’ve contemplated suicide many times, even attempting suicide way too many times a year ago. I’ve accepted death and what comes after, if there is anything after. I still can’t think of myself having a future of any sort, as I’ve lost interest in everything, as almost nothing gives me interest anymore. Throughout my time contemplating, I’ve given this calm, nonchalant, happy and friendly person who just wants to help others, but really, all I am is this mess of a person who can’t have a moment of peace with himself, and only argues with himself every day, always calling that same person he is, just a cringe piece of shit. Even now just saying all this make this feel so manipulative and ‘emo’. I already have facial dysphoria, and barely have any patience now, but I get called that every day, and that’s all I think of it as, this phase, this small, fleeting moment that lasts for a short time and is just gonna leave as soon as it came. Remember how I stated how I wanted torture and trauma to prove to myself that I have these issues. That’s not just limited to torturing myself, it also expands to other people, I’m able to stop myself with the consequences holding me back (luckily and unluckily), but I know how to handle single handed and dual handed weapons, not guns tho, I’m in the UK, not the USA. I know this sounds cringy as shit, but I’m dealing with it, and you’re still reading, so, if it is, just simply stop reading, i do not mind, as I don’t mind what you do or comment, wether it be shouting at me/berating me, or trying to help. I am sorry for doing all of this, but I just had to for my piece of mind. I am split into different minds, all having their own actions, and ways of doing things. They’re all me, but different parts of me really, that’s why I included the diagram above, the circles show how each one is connected and where everything matches up. Harm is what I talked about with torture, i can describe it more in depth if you don’t understand, just comment it to make sure I can describe what you want. I don’t know what else to add, and this is going on way too long. Have a great day, and if you’re reading this after reading the rest, I’m surprised and thankful for (maybe) caring. Have a great day, and I have an assessment tomorrow that I’ve done no revision for and o have no idea what poems we are doing in the assessment. (Also there’s a Schedule Post button I never knew of) here,that,post,was,talking,about,here that post,was talking about