my asexuality realization

my asexuality realization ( asexuality / stardoux ) When I was a kid I kinda lied about liking ppl.. like to fit in? it was stupid. I flat out lied to my friends. I didn't find the appeal in how people looked, and if I didn't go through puberty or meet certain ppl im sure this would have not taken so long to figure out myself. I claimed to like people, like like, but I'm unsure if I did or not. I only blushed over messages and words said to me. When it came to kissing and stuff, my heart never skipped a beat, or I never blushed from it. it's like I accepted it and didn't mind it if the other party liked it. Even when I did have sex before I realized it was like.. like it was a thing that happened? like I didn't hate it, I enjoyed it sometimes but it never gave a rush or anything. no blushing, no nervousness, nothing. I just kinda do it (consensual) if the other party wants it? if that makes sense.. like you get aroused sure but that's it for me. some points I am sex repulsed tho, like it makes me want to vomit. personal sexual trauma things.. its like im in a loop of liking it, unsure if I like it, and flat out being disgusted with myself. I'm slightly confused about stuff lmfao I like words, I like to talk to people I like intimacy through writing and speaking. its the only way I feel something for someone else. which is normal but sexual attraction has always been a struggle to figure out. I like a guy, hes the 1st guy I've liked sexually before but even then I'm super confused lmfaoo. pain. asexuality,realization,asexuality realization